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Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘about as helpful as boobs on a fish’

  • Dear diary,

    What a week I have had – after last week when I touted the idea of perhaps running (trotting?) for the vacated spot of human herd leader, I have been busy as a bee; like the other, lesser, human candidates, I have been preparing my leadership pitch and drumming up support (AKA calling some mates pronto).

    So I see my mane rival as being that guy who looks like he’s bungee jumped into a tub of leather cleaner (honestly, what has the dude done to his mane?), who asks are we #Ready4Rishi? I’m not sure what Rishi is, but it sounds like some sort of sushi dish and sushi is seafood, which means that there is a prawn movie linkage in here that people should open their eyes too. Fishy Rishi sounds more like it…

    This did, however, get me thinking I need a catchy slogan too, so I’m debating between “Happier with Hovis” or “No hooves, you lose”. I welcome feedback from you all as asking mother is like waiting for an amoeba to win a spelling contest…

    Anyway, he also says he will “restore trust, rebuild the economy and reunite the country”, which was a) a mouthful and b) likely to bring Jonathan Ross out in hives. Mind you, he’s not the only one spouting the sort of stuff that litters my field after an all-night grassfest: Liz Puss waffled on about how she will “cut taxes, deliver the real economic change we need from day one and ensure Putin loses in Ukraine”. I mean, really? How’s she going to ensure that? Bore him into submission? I see lots of words people, but no plans to actually make it occur – in fact, all very similar to mother’s narrative on her riding; i.e. long on creative description and short of the goods to make it happen. In mother’s case “the goods” being any form of talent, ability or finesse – although come to think of it the same might apply here…

    So, I feel what the public needs is someone who can cut out the verbal spreading of the product of the bovine digestive system, get to the point faster than Frankel on a promise, and deliver with a speed and accuracy that Yodel can only dream about.

    My view on taxes? Cutting them right now would share many characteristics with mother trimming my under carriage – it seemed like a good idea but there’s no real plan, the person holding the scissors hasn’t in any way proved they’re qualified, and one slip could lead to a massive inability to rise to the occasion in the future…

    My view on the war? I’m all up for sending Ukraine more weapons as I’m a massive cheerleader for the underdog (trust me, I have mucho experience – 15 years with mother…), but I think there’s a much more effective way of ending this. Putin thinks he’s a bit of a rider, right? Likes posing all manly half naked on some poor unsuspecting equine? Send him a mare who has been weaned off her grumpy girl supplement for three weeks and encourage him to show her “who’s boss” – ideally after telling her her arse looks huge in her fly sheet. I can flat out guarantee more success at taking out a dictator than Seal Team six have achieved in years (I never did get that by the way – what’s their secret power? Scaring the enemy with a deft demonstration of “ball on nose” balancing?).

    I don’t feel I need a big government, so I could slim that down pronto – again one only has to look at the size of me to see I know how to diet. I swear half the jobs these people have are about as useful as boobs on a fish – the trick is to be simple, but efficient. Mother, bless her, has managed 50% of that equation for years, but the other half has alluded her. I might however give her a job to collect the taxes from all the fat cats and big corporates who haven’t been paying properly. I suspect one meeting with mother and the fat cats will show themselves to be slightly more ickle pussies. Mother can instill fear with a quirk of one frighteningly ungroomed eyebrow, so cash will fill the coffers faster than a Kardashian can photoshop an “au natural” holiday snap. And if that fails, there’s always the option of renting 10 Downing Street out for work functions…

    And finally, on the subject of energy prices rising faster than my vet’s bills, clearly alternative cheaper sources need to be found urgently. Now, whichever idiot thinks sticking solar panels all over a country that usually sees sunshine as often as mother sees single digits on the scales is a good idea needs the sack. No, my idea is much better. They’ve had these kinetic batteries for years, yes? The type that generate energy from movement? So, with immediate effect upon my appointment, all the thoroughbreds in the land will be fitted with said technology and then a standing order every morning will be issued for a carrier bag to be rustled in close proximity. Voila! No need to clap on your doorsteps people – your thanks and carrots are enough.

    This is only intended to give you a taste of what you could have (sort of like my grazing regime at the moment), but hopefully once again highlights who the brains of the partnership is and that I am frankly wasted as the other half of this duo.

    Ideas on other areas of my manifesto you would like me to cover are always welcome.



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