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Decisive Actions at Zorro’s Zecurity – Angel Canine Diary

There has been a meeting at Zorro’s Zecurity that only the board and senior managers were allowed to attend. I just happened to be in the office working overtime and overheard the discussions. Goldie said that the company was in good shape, but just in case something bad would happen and the company would go under, they all needed to take decisive action in secret. She laid out the following action points:

Call a meeting and a press conference and declare that all is under control and that everybody’s jobs are safe. Say with force that all rumors to the contrary are lies.

Dump your stock.

Look over the company’s financial liabilities and prioritize payments in this order: a) My paycheck, saving schemes, bonuses and golden parachute. b) The executives and senior managers salaries, bonuses, saving schemes and golden parachutes. c) taxes (governments can be so vindictive). If money is short, raid the lower staff’s savings and retirement schemes.

Lay off the staff except lawyers (needed to defend management in case of lawsuits, and if you lay off a lawyer, he may sue YOU). Keep the finance department (except for some low-level clerks), they know where the money is, and keep Human Resources (again, the low-level HR people can go). Human Resource people will always be laid off last, because they actually do the laying off.

“HR will now make you sign a non-disclosure agreement for eternity about basically anything in Zorro’s Zecurity. If you do not sign, you will not get any of your compensation, contractual or not, and our lawyers will come after you and it won’t be pretty.”

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